“Do you love me?” are words so often heard in our world today, usually from the mouth of a woman towards the man she wants to be with forever. Often that’s the direction of the words. And of course Hollywood is quick to tell us that’s the way it’s supposed to be, as well. And to a guy, what should those words mean? “Do you have a spark for me?” “Are you ‘feeling’ ‘into’ me?” “Do you ‘lust’ for me?” “Do you think I’m attractive or beautiful?” “Do you want to marry me?” “After three to nine months of seeing me are you ready to lay down on a train track for me?” Just how can we define this word “love” in a romantic and even immature relationship and in a world that pools hundreds of meanings into a word, “love?”
If this “love,” so undying as we’re told it must be, must be present for two to even consider marriage, then what happens if this “love” were to suddenly or rather, over time, seem to fade, disappear, or even to vanish away? Then would we have a just cause for a divorce as so many often claim today? “Oh, we just fell out of love.” “We just don’t love each other anymore so we can’t continue on in our marriage anymore.” Or even, “God wouldn’t want me to stay with someone I don’t love anymore, would he?” These are all the kinds of excuses we often hear today when people want to break off their marriages because supposedly they are missing the magic ingredient of “love” and therefore cannot be maintained. What does the Bible have to say about this? Why ask a culture who is failing miserably when we can ask the time-tested book of eternal truth, God’s Holy Word – the Bible? Let’s find out.
The Bible in Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman who fears the Lord, She shall be praised.” The Bible here tells us that it is not all about “feeling” based on “charm” or physical “beauty” that you see in another person. It’s a decision that we are supposed to make based on evaluation of character and realization of the presence of supreme love for God in the person who we are considering.
In contrast we find the immoral woman in the book of Proverbs as well. She “allures with her eyes,” she deceives and misleads by her “words,” and is also suggestive of sinful things, even though sometimes claiming a religious profession as well (Prov 7:14). She dresses immodestly or in a way to accentuate her body so that lustful desire will be aroused for her (i.e. “…with the attire of an harlot”-Prov. 7:10). She aims to make physical contact and allure into sensual practices by grabbing and “kissing” (Prov. 7:13; 5:3). From there she moves to entice into more horrible sins behind closed doors by wicked words and the above already stated means (Prov. 7:16-23). Such wickedness will only lead people to death and destruction as the Bible clearly portrays.
Genuine love on the other hand “is patient” and “kind.” It does not “envy.” It is not “puffed up.” It “does not behave itself rudely,” it “does not seek it’s own,” it “is not easily provoked,” it “thinks no evil” and does not “rejoice in iniquity [sin or lawlessness]” but instead “rejoices in the truth.” It “bears all things, hopes all thing, endures all things” and “never fails” (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-8). True love, above all, respects God’s boundaries and labors to fulfill and observe them all carefully while shunning and hating iniquity or sin. It is recognized by kind and generous acts which are NOT of a selfish nature. It is strong and enduring and shows patience for others. These are the kinds of things we should be looking for. True love is by principle and glorifies God as the Proverbs 31 woman does. It should not be built on charm, beauty, or the wicked behavior of the immoral woman above.
Now back to our very first question! “Is romantic ‘love’ overrated as a prerequisite for marriage?” The answer is very much, “YES! It is overrated!” Choice in marriage is not to be merely about some feelings which are here today and perhaps gone tomorrow! It should be based on principle and commitment! Does this person have the love of God and the character qualities which would be pleasing to God? Do I have the love of God and the character which He desires? In the deep respect and love of God can this union safely be pursued and formed? Am I choosing this person with the desire and intent to live out the principles of God’s love (i.e. 1 Cor. 13) with them? Are they fully committed to the same? If you decide based on lust and rapturous feelings you are likely headed for a disaster!
When Isaac married Rebekah, it was based on prayer, proper situation and circumstances the woman was found under; Also an evaluation of her character qualities. Granted it was a shortly decided matter by an experienced, prayerful, and God-surrendered servant (not Isaac), but all the qualities lined up. “Love” as the world calls it was not even a part of the question! Yet all the proper functions for marriage to be successful were in place and it was a lifelong union with joy until death did them part (not without the normal struggles or character flaws of marriage or marriage partners either, but a successful marriage nonetheless). See Genesis 24-28.
Jacobs’ story, on the other hand, did involve personally choosing, evaluation, interest, and “love” but with integrity, principle, and under the supervision of her own father. It too was a successful marriage when once made. It was also made under the proper principles. Jacob had gone there to find a wife, for the reason that it was known generally what he might find in that family. The marriage too had it’s issues (especially with what the trickery of Laban) but overall the union was successful and life long. It was based on principle, choice, and “love” in this case. See Genesis 28-35 for more details.
Let us choose wisely to follow God’s principles and look to identify His love. Let’s aim to choose by the principles outlined in God’s word rather than what the world so wrongly terms to be “love,” and which often is little more than excited feelings or desires. The evidence shows strongly that the idea of “love” from the beginning as a prerequisite for marriage is overrated! Exhibiting and living by God’s principles of love for one another is what is most needed. We should follow principle and commit to living by our promises before God for all of life! Genuine love is a gift from God and something that may be cultivated and can grow over time. We must choose to love and to respect one another in living by the word of God! May the Lord bless and guide you in His ways always! Amen!
